Adventures In Attempting To Purchase A Book From A Z Fell & Co
by Quandtuniverse
Summary: A rare book collector posting on a niche internet forum is dismayed to discover the last missing book is only available at the best worst bookshop in London. Outsider POV. OC ensemble. Epistolary. TV canon with book canon flavour. Mentions of Aziraphale, Crowley, Gabriel and Sandalphon.


**Summary:**

A rare book collector posting on a niche internet forum is dismayed to discover the last missing book is only available at the best worst bookshop in London.

**Notes:**

Big thanks to my friends Ariel and Opal who listened to me brainstorm this silly idea, and special thanks to Opal who helped name some of the forum users.

*also posted on AO3, with better formatting.

**The Rare Antique Forums**

**=Subforum: Books and Publications**

**==Regional Subforum: London**

**[New Topic] Does Anyone Have A Copy Of Clockwork House Vol. 6?**

**C-**

Hi everyone. Sorry to ask about this *again*, but nobody gave me a straight answer the last time I tried. I need to know: Where the hell can I get a copy of Clockwork House, Volume 6!? First edition, cream-and-gold cover. I have almost the entire collection, all the way to volume 12, EXCEPT for that one glaring hole on my shelf, and it is driving me insane. The 1972 re- release is lovely but if I have to see a single blue book in the middle of the row I won't be able to sleep at night. Surely you all understand what I mean?

**Liam -**

I feel you, C, but the only ones I've seen going recently are the whole set, unless you want to have doubles of everything

**C -**

It won't solve my problem, that's for sure. If I sell the rest I'll only end up passing the curse along to the next unfortunate soul.

**VanillaDecay -**

hope its ok to bump a month-old thread but i heard A. Z. Fell & Co. has it

**C -**

You're kidding me.

**ArchiveMistress -**

Oh nooooo C immso sorry

SoulShaper -

C if u need help pageknight and inky compiled a document about AZ Fell shop hours

_[link: So You Need To Get Into A. Z. Fell & Co.; Now What? A Guide For Unfortunate Bookworms]_

**C -**

It's fine, Brit, I'm fine. It would be just my luck that place would have it. I got over the shock now tho. Guess I've got no choice but to try it.

ETA: thanks for the link, soulshaper! It'll definitely come in handy.

**pageknight -**

Ugh, A. Z. Fell & Co. is the WORST. From the pictures up on google maps you'd think it's charming and cozy but there's just this weird, musty smell everywhere and the shelves are all sticky

**~*~Nyanciii~*~^w^ -**

whoah, uve actually made it inside? everytime i walk by its closed

**ArchiveMistress -**

stared really hard at that sign on the door. could barely read the handwriting. mr. fell is a weird one

**Liam -**

I did enter it once and yeah it smelled weird. But did you see the set of antique cartographic charts? swoon.

**inky -**

liam you're such a nerd

**Liam -**

We're ALL nerds here, why else would we be posting on an antique book forum?

**C -**

Guys we're getting off topic.

**Liam -**

Sorry C.

But pageknight is right. A. Z. Fell is the worst bookshop in London. I managed to make it in one day and he kept glaring at me from across the room. Then every time I turned to face him he smiled like there was nothing wrong. I'm like 99% sure it's actually a money laundering scheme for the mafia.

**inky -**

it would certainly explain those thuggy looking sorts who show up sometimes

**ForeALarke-**

I heard mr. fell's a satanist

**ForeALarke-**

like the rumour is he's got a devil summoning diagram under that big round rug in the middle of the room

**DangerNoodle666-**

I wouldn't believe those rumours if I were you. Besides, real Satanists are nowhere near as cool.

**WriterOfUnwrittenTales_86-**

All right everyone this thread is clearly gotten far off topic so I'm locking it. C, I trust you've got enough info to go on and good luck in obtaining your Clockwork House vol. 6. Everyone else let's please refrain from accusing booksellers of satanism.

**[New Topic] I got the book! No thanks to A. Z. Fell**

**C -**

So, I finally managed to get my hands on the last volume I needed to complete my Clockwork House collection. Big shoutout to pageknight and inky, it WASN'T easy but with your opening hours chart I somehow made it in on the sixth try.

_[image attachment: a shelf full of books, a complete collection of twelve cream-and-gold volumes right in the middle]_

The smell was real and the customer service was terrible but the volume I bought is in good shape. Would not recommend it if you could avoid it.

**Liam -**

but is he a satanist though?

**C -**

Doubt it. I can't rule out the mafia thing tho.

**ArchiveMistress -**

yayy! congrats C!

Spill the beans! I wanna hear all about your adventure!

**C -**

Thanks Brit! I'm not sure what else there is to say. I mean, it was a very weird experience. pageknight, inky, liam - back me up here - were you also surrounded by weirdos when you went there?

**pageknight -**

You're welcome, C! Glad to know the chart helped.

I think only weirdos have the patience to actually go there so I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, I'd count myself among them. And there's that one guy who's always there, who wears sunglasses indoors like he's trying to be a rockstar, and who i'm pretty sure has never picked up a book in his life.

**C -**

Well to be fair the skylight makes it pretty bright in there.

But I'm just asking cos these two guys showed up and started yelling really loudly about wanting to buy porn. Mr. Fell wasn't even fazed. They went into the backroom but then they left with no books at all. I went to buy my volume and Mr. Fell looked like he just wanted me to get the hell out. the feeling was mutual.

**inky -**

ngl im interested in mr fells antique porn

**Liam -**

TMI, inky, TMI

**ForeALarke -**

Good job C. next time look under the carpet

**C -**

I really hope there isn't a next time.

**[New Topic] Rest In Peace A. Z. Fell & Co.**

**pageknight -**

It's been chaotic the last couple of days, but I would like to take a moment to memorialise the best worst bookshop in London, A. Z. Fell & Co. If you haven't seen the news, it went up in flames early this afternoon.

As a medieval scholar, you know my taste in rare old books tends to the very rare and very old indeed, and while succeeding in buying one from A. Z. Fell was always a difficult feat, nevertheless he had one of the finest collections I've ever seen. Sadly, all those precious tomes have been lost to the ashes.

**ArchiveMistress -**

Tragic! i never even had a chance to go there... RIP all those beautiful books...

**VanillaDecay -**

RIP

**C -**

Whoah...

I don't know what to say... it's awful, but I almost feel like the book I bought from them was cursed...

**inky -**

guys. have you been keeping up with the news? the fire is under control but theyre investigating the cause. turns out they didnt have to look very hard to find a circle of candles and strange markings on the floor...

**Liam -**

There's been no word on Mr. Fell either. Nobody's seen him since the fire.

**ForeALarke -**

I KNEW IT

**pageknight -**

Seriously?

Well, I guess if you're gonna summon Satan, there's better places to do it than inside a very flammable bookshop!

**C -**

Okay now I know my book's DEFINITELY cursed

**inky -**

RIP mr fells antique porn

**[New Topic] A. Z. Fell & Co. is still around?**

**C -**

I feel like I sound mad typing this, but... didn't it burn down yesterday? Didn't we have an entire thread talking about it? I could have sworn it, but it's not anywhere that I could find?

**ArchiveMistress -**

Walked by it just this mornign! was closed though like usual

**pageknight -**

It's definitely there. I'd ask if you were going mad, except that I feel the same way.

**C -**

You're the one who started the thread!

**ForeALarke -**

you mean the #satanismconfirmed thread? can't find it either.

**C -**

but we all remember it?

**Liam -**

I don't, what are you talking about?

**inky -**

did we all get pranked or something? either that or a mass delusion

**DangerNoodle666 -**

You've all definitely gone mad.

**WriterOfUnwrittenTales_86 -**

I did not lock or remove any threads yesterday. If it's gone, it certainly wasn't on our end.

**pageknight -**

I don't remember, but I feel like i'm getting a migraine.

**[New Topic] Does Anyone Have A Copy Of Clockwork House Vol. 6... again?**

**C -**

Unfortunately,

mine was cursed.

**Notes:**

Thanks for reading!

This was originally going to be set in a book club and follow a more traditional prose format, but I thought setting it on a forum would be more fun. I realized after the fact I was probably unconsciously influenced by the original fiction "The Northern Caves" by nostalgebraist, available on AO3. So if you like the premise of a bunch of nerds debating weird old books on a niche forum, go check out that thrilling (and much more ambitiously formatted) story.


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